The Big Bitch About Car Alarms and the Like

Once upon a time Vancouver was a peaceful forest with quiet game trails and chirping birds. But today the chirping birds are drowned out by chirping and honking car alarms. Huh? I'm sure I can't be the only one who's getting more and more frequently annoyed/pissed off/disgusted with those sadly ubiquitous sounds.

Ok fine, she's got a hot car, and she doesn't want it broken into. Or fine, he's got some piece of shit car but don't want anyone to break in and steal his $89 Future Shop Special. Actually, I could go on about how car alarms disturb thousands of people at a go in the downtown core because car owners are ignoramuses who can't stop their alarms from singing their own praises just because the diaper service truck rode past. But I won't. I'm not particularly concerned with that stuff since the collective consciousness already knows how offensive those car-owning ignoramuses and their self-aggrandizing car alarms are.

And fair enough, if you're worried that someone's gonna break into your car or your van with the tinted windows, then I guess you gotta do something. What irks me more are the boneheads who knowingly set up their cars to honk or beep or tweet just because they've (un)locked their door. I mean hello, aren't horns reserved for emergencies and idiots who block traffic? Is it truly necessary that you have to attract the attention of everybody in the block's radius to inform yourself and them that Yes, dammit, I've locked my door! You will look over to see that yes, that person has locked the door, and they're already nonchalantly walking away. You might even notice their expensive yet understated slacks. But sorry people, horns are just plain rude (except possibly when used by the skilled drivers of BC Transit). Beeps and tweets aren't much better either. I will try to forgive people for having car alarms, but they make it so much harder when they toot it in my face every fucking time they enter or exit their car, or take a bottle of Bacardi out of the trunk. Damn. Keep that shit to yourselves.

Ok, now you might be led to believe I'm a complainer. Well good people, I'm not here to complain. I'm here to suggest recourse. Instead of suffering these happy-go-luckies happily entering and luckily exiting their motor vehicles of varying qualities, we can take action. Why not approach your local MP, and see if they have a tooting car and egg it! Haha, that's a joke, folks. Instead, just cut, paste, and print off this handy note and leave it on as many windshields as applicable.

Dear Citizen of Vancouver,
I can fully appreciate that you hope to protect your motor vehicle, which you've undoubtedly worked or even slaved for. Bus ads have informed me that car theft is rampant. But I ask, nay beg you to please disarm the unnecessary tweeting function of your alarm when you leave and re-enter your vehicle. It plays on my sensitive nerves and takes away from my otherwise peaceful walks, and does so to the countless other pedestrians and inhabitants in the area. (You might try holding both buttons down for 2 seconds).

God bless you,
______________________ Ph #________________________

There. Short and sweet.
C'mon, Vancouver, put out those notes and make some change!