Vice Guide To Vancouver

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Filed in City
April 30, 2006

So the Vice Guide to Vancouver hit the streets this week, and its exactly what you'd expect; full of exaggeration, sarcasm, posturing, elitism and pure comedy. Totally stereotypical yet hilarious pot-head hippie bashing, a guide to strip clubs (apparently strippers in America don't get completely nude), a guide to getting wasted "on the cheap", a guide to ESLers, and a quick but efficient guide to Vancouver music, although they left out Ladyhawk and P:ano and included some band called Midnight Dragon. Perhaps the best quote of all time is to be found at the end of the introduction: "Vancouver is a lot like a hot young girl-she looks good, smells good, is firm and soft in all the right places, but is ultimately a naively cocky mess of contradictions that can't hold her liquor."

PS My scanner doesn't work so I couldn't show you the cover. Instead here is a snap I took that might as well be the cover.

Much of it is true, albeit exaggerated. It's amazing how something could make me so angry at the same time I'm laughing my ass off. There's a good description of Mount Pleasant with this scathing anecdote attached, "A bunch of clueless real estate developers have foolishly attempted to re-dub this area "SOMA", for South Main (South Main actually starts at 49th Ave.) They've also tried the name "Uptown", which happens to be local slang for crack."

Commercial Drive is given its due treatment as one of the silliest places on Earth. "On any given day the sidewalks of Commersh, that's what you call it if you live there, are lined with 20-something hangovers, buskers, dreads, dog shit, and so many garish colours it's like the Rainbow Wars is having an Expo 86 reunion tour." It also goes on to describe Grandview Park as "the sanctuary from Logan's Run, except everyone's dressed a lot stupider. The place is totally over-run with hippies, crust punks, single moms, yuppies, activists, A LOT of lesbians, drug dealers, scenesters, would-be beat poets, Italians, skids (Vancouver is the official home of the skid), and did I mention hippies?"

It also lambastes the Vancouver pot scene and I totally agree with what they say. They take aim at Marc Emery's image as some sort of freedom fighter, revealing him as "stoned libertarian". Also in the cross hairs are "Pot Tourists", people who come here for our killer BC bud. They're compared to people who take those pedophile trips to Southeast Asia. While that may be a bit harsh, they go on to say "at least pedophiles keep a low profile and don't wear shirts with little kids on them...or roam the streets looking stupid asking anyone under 50 "Where are all the kiddie-sex bars?"" Whoa.

The music section gives brief blurbs on the following bands. Bakelite, Black Mountain, Channels 3&4, Fun 100, Hot Loins, Josh Martinez, No Luck Club, The Organ, Pink Mountaintops, Primes, They Shoot Horses, Don't They?, The Doers, Rich Hope, Midnight Dragon, Pride Tiger, The New Pornographers, Destroyer, The Feminists, Crystal Pistol, and Rebel Spell. Like I said earlier, notably missing are P:ano and Ladyhawwk, but also You Say Party! We Say Die!, Cadeaux, Sean Wesley Wood and The Vancouver Vipers, Kutcorners, A Javelin Reign, and The Book Of Lists.

As much as it is fun to hate on Vice, its just as fun to hate on the things they hate on, because they are so good at it. "If one more Francophonic crusty asks me for money or "Where is all da pot?" I'm gonna kick his dog in the balls. That said, most people with any intelligence or creativity whatsoever who still live in Vancouver eventually move out to Montreal, so i guess it balances out". The truth never hurt so good.

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i just started leafing through the issue, and knew it was begging for a BR write-up. You beat me to it, but most likely did a much better job anyhow. Good one.

Posted by: statusq at April 30, 2006 5:12 PM | Quote Comment

Right on Sean, can't wait to check it out. Vice is so bipolar that you never know what to expect. I don't think I've read any other mag that veers so crazily from boring, oafish, and dumb-sounding to insightful, razor-sharp, and funny as hell.

Posted by: Jeff at May 1, 2006 1:51 PM | Quote Comment

Whoa, sorry about that. This machine seems to be having "a moment".

Posted by: Jeff at May 1, 2006 1:53 PM | Quote Comment

"I don't think I've read any other mag that veers so crazily from boring, oafish, and dumb-sounding to insightful, razor-sharp, and funny as hell."

I'd like to think that we're close to that target around here; at least if you factor in some of the comments we've seen.

Posted by: Richard Murray

at May 1, 2006 2:20 PM | Quote Comment

O ho! Touche.

Posted by: Jeff

at May 1, 2006 4:23 PM | Quote Comment

I was asked to write something elaborate for it by someone I know. Hating Vice but liking that person I did something that took me about twenty minutes which made criticism of actual vices (small 'v'), et al. I didn't think it would see print. It did and it was so embarassingly edited- it took the 'funny' , the'sensitive', the 'message', the 'morals' and the 'soul' out of my piece and replaced it with poorly written cheez that was supposed to be funny or cool or something but failed miserably. My name is in print at the bottom. I just want to say here that it shouldn't be as what was printed was NOT what I wrote. I am ashamed and embarassed to be part of such a publication. I was a fool to even consider writing for such a mag. I disavow all involvement with that guide. Thank you.
However if you want to read what I wrote (not what was printed) just ask me as you are more than welcome to see the original piece.

Posted by: Robert Dayton at May 3, 2006 2:37 PM | Quote Comment

Actually dude, thanks for reminding me, I really should have put in my bitching that we were asked to play that Vice/Adidas party by a friend around the same time that I was asked to write that piece and those folks who organized it were super awesome, professional, nice, and no attitude- it was fun working with them. In my vitriolic post I really should have mentioned that.
With some writing gigs that I have had there's been some great editors who really strengthened my work! But it doesn't always happen that way, I know.
If you really want to know whose look I've been ripping off for many years (I guess I am old-but young at heart! Tee hee!) get Richard Harris' "A Tramp Shining" album -that album will change your life for the better and he's one of my personal style gods! It's like an audio hug and God knows we need it sometimes! If you ever need someone to talk to, do let me know. You are so right about "no one cares": in my self absorbed mindset I can get so upset about things like that turning out badly when really there are far more important things to actually care about, I guess I just wanted my position of disavowal made known in my mildly disgruntled manner.

Posted by: Robert Dayton at May 4, 2006 1:34 AM | Quote Comment

P.S. OLD CREEP, I don't know who you really are but you do seem to be genuinely upset and angry with me for reasons that I don't understand.I'm hoping that i haven't wronged you in any way, maybe it's just a misunderstanding. If you do want to sort it out, do feel free to contact me, I'm easy to get ahold of and I really do hate having such conflict and I am sure that there is a way to resolve this. I'm serious.

Posted by: Robert Dayton at May 4, 2006 1:57 AM | Quote Comment

That is pure hate. Old creep is obviously really insecure and self concious. Its too bad. Why does the internet make everyone a tough guy? Of course he didn't leave his real name. Robert Dayton is one of the best things about Vancouver. An actual personality in a sea of fakes and bores.

Posted by: Sean Orr at May 6, 2006 2:13 PM | Quote Comment

I am just wondering where you can find Vice in Vancouver... I moved here over a year ago and I've only found it at Westbeach but they are always out and it also means going to Kits. If you know of somehwere downtown that would be rad.

Posted by: Kristen at May 7, 2006 5:24 AM | Quote Comment

I have seen a box of them arrive at Scratch Records downtown, but I haven't seen them set out before. I might have just been unlucky and missed them or they may keep them behind the counter... I didn't ask.

Posted by: Richard Murray

at May 7, 2006 9:20 AM | Quote Comment

You can also usually find it at Zulu, Goonpack, or Livestock...

Posted by: Chris at May 8, 2006 2:47 AM | Quote Comment

You can probably find them at all the American Apparels seeing as AA is such a big advertiser with them. There's one on South Granville and Granville by Smithe. I'm sure there are more.

Posted by: Ariadna at May 9, 2006 4:54 PM | Quote Comment

Try Audiopile on Commercial Drive, he's usually got some kicking around. If you're looking for the Vice Guide to Vancouver, there was s stack of them there today.

Posted by: Jeff

at May 10, 2006 12:47 AM | Quote Comment