BeyondRobson | Posts by Sean

Morning Brew: Yo Harper

Mon, 07 Jul 2008 21:32:19 PDT

Yo Harper!

Remember when the future was hurtling toward us at breakneck speed? Um, you mean that whole time when you had your fingers in your ears? That whole time you were slandering those wacky eco-zealots? Those communist thugs in Seattle and Genoa? Yeah, I remember.

No swimming alert issued for False Creek. Wait, people swim in False Creek? Are they okay?

Police looking for psychiatric patient. Um, did they try the Downtown Eastside? Because I think I saw someone who matched the description...

More reason to hate the flames...

A new reason to love the Ducks...

While Naslund saves us from the buyers' market. But who is going to save us from buyers?

photo (cropped) by Ryan Wltr Wagner in the Beyond Robson Flickr photo pool.

Morning Brew: In memory of Tag the Sea Lion

Wed, 02 Jul 2008 15:13:19 PDT

You know when some random piece of news just hits you in the face, wherein otherwise you'd sort of laugh at the absurdity of our obsession with the ultra-specific, but this time you pause, think about how a fucking Sea Lion's death can be making tears well up in your eyes. It could also have something to do with the fact that I've been uploading my entire Compact Disc collection into my new computer, making a massive playlist, and right now I'm on a stretch that includes Gram Parsons, Mazzy Star, Red House Painters, Great Lake Swimmers, Low, and Pedro the Lion. Emo is back motherfuckers.

The Mohawk: two-storey box with 'hair' on top. City hall spawned weird new housing form. Just a sort of nice, gentle, extra fuck you to all the homeless natives in the DTES.

THE DISH: RESTAURANT REVIEW: THE REVEL ROOM.
"Stop at this funky boîte for a late-night nosh". Yeah you totally should, if of course, you are someone who calls restaurants funky, uses the word boîte, and goes for late-night noshes. In other words, if you are a piece of shit.

A Canada Day resolution: Don't let the politicians do your thinking for you. Same thing applies to jocks-cum-journalists.

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Tourists

Wed, 02 Jul 2008 14:42:30 PDT

Every year they come. Armed with fanny packs and maps, traveler's checks and handi-cams, they descend upon our Potemkin village by the sea. They flock to the most banal and trivial of spaces, stock up on maple syrup and cigars, and then waddle off to Alaska to gawk at the glaciers before they're gone. Martin Parr would have a field day at the Steam Clock, as the 30 year-old contraption hoots happily to the naive gawkers behind their digital SLRs. They pad the pockets of buskers and waiters, and they keep the crackheads high. They are the lifeforce, and at the same time they are pure evil.

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Morning Brew: The Prodigal Son

Wed, 25 Jun 2008 22:59:05 PDT

Hey remember me? I used to write this column like everyday. That was before I went on a little voyage in a magical land called No Internet for a month. It was a frightening and lonely place, but at the same time life changing and fulfilling. I think I've come back a much stronger and positive person. Now I see how the kids at Only can keep doing the news without getting sarcastic and/or cynical, which by the way if you couldn't tell, is the rhetorical device I am currently employing. But, then, if you've ever read my pseudo-intellectual, far-left, shock-jock punditry you would already know that. So what did I miss? Furthermore, and for me this is most important, as is with anything regarding my ego and how awesome it is, did you miss me? Are you guys still there? Happy Canada Day, eh? Guys? I love you. Please come back.

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I believe in the night

Wed, 25 Jun 2008 22:44:01 PDT

Yeah so I'm back or whatever and man, I don't know. Is there any point? My unintentional computer sabbatical has left me wondering, do the kids over at The Only have it right? Is that how they stay so positive and free from the traps of sarcasm and cynicism? Because right now it seems like "news" only happens in the winter. I've spent the last few weeks breaking onto roofs and wandering around aimlessly.

I'm a traveler again. Alone in my city for the first time. I will have my coffee to stay. Take my time. Smear the dirt and the smells of back alleys on my clean clothes, get lost in the mire of moss cracked industry. In Belfast, after the troubles, I was there, and I was lost, and I grew strong and bold, booking beds in hostels, buying books of bus tickets. Or, when the walls opened, and the siege was lifted, and the Apprentice Boys stood aside, I walked the old city of Londonderry, confident and proud among the paint-splattered outposts and martyred walls. Now I drift. I wander to live. I let the city's doors open, I listen to the whispers in the cobblestones, I follow the underground streams to their source, like a sockeye, I've been here before. Only this time, I've grown even bigger, in a spiral outwards, drawing in the detritus of seasons. Count the rings, you'll see, its all circular, Fibonacci was telling the truth. Even in smoke and mirrors there are smoke and mirrors. Mother, please believe me, like you believed in me once before, I will smash them again, these mirrors.

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Morning Brew: June 2nd/3rd

Mon, 02 Jun 2008 21:44:04 PDT

Short one today. I'm at Waves. I don't want to be at Waves.

Get ready for nasty weather: "If you've ever flown into Vancouver International Airport, you've probably never pictured, as the plane was setting down, what the tarmac would look like under two feet of sea water". Unless of course you are a fatalistic, misanthropic, pseudo existentialist who imagines disasters happening all the time. Like right now, I was just thinking about how fun its going to be when Vancouver gets smoked by a mega-thrust 9.0.

Yeah, free Mark Steyn, but what about Mordecai Briemberg? I guess Free Speech only matters when conservatives piss of visible minorities. What was that Bruce Allen? If they don't like it here they should go home?

Oh and just because this was such a fun topic on May 30th's Morning Brew, Commission begins work examining legacy of residential schools.

Vancouver tourism hopes to withstand future Canadian decline. By building a triple over-budget convention centre that nobody will come to? Brilliant. How about this: get some real culture first, some public washrooms, and maybe some homes for all those people with mental disabilities and addictions running around all over the place frightening the sheltered Americans.

Join the homeless in 2010 and get rich? Maybe not. Damn, now what am i going to with my half-million dollar loft during the Olympics? Hey, maybe I can rent it out as a communications centre to the official Vancouver 2010 Riot...

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Wheat Prices in Vancouver

Sat, 31 May 2008 02:13:35 PDT

Seriously. This is what I need to to talk about right now. It might not be as popular as Bed Bugs in Vancouver, but hey, its ruining my life. I work at a deli. A very, very popular deli called So.cial at Le Magasin. We recently adjusted our prices to the ridiculous inflation of wheat prices not once but twice. I will say this once people, there are people fucking rioting in the streets to get a bag of grain. $14 for a humongous sandwich and a bag of chips isn't a bad deal. Suck it up you self-important schmucks, this is the realization that an economy structured entirely around the myth of an endless bountiful of energy, a system that is unable to subtract, unable to reflect the true price of things. This is the world of Peak Food. Jesus, even the National Post have figured it out by now.

I get paid 10 bucks an hour to feed what feels like the entire population of Gastown, and all I hear are people complain. Yes, it actually costs us a dollar to wrap your sandwich into two separate packages. That's because you're douche-bag friends on Howe Street are raking it in on Wheat Futures. Can you believe there is such a thing as Wheat Futures in the first place? What's next, water futures? Or is that totally already happening? Fuck it, all I know is that your sammich is 14 dollars and either pay or don't. Sorry if I come across rude, I just don't really want to hear about it from you becuase I'm super busy, mmm kay? Next...

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Morning Brew: May 30th

Fri, 30 May 2008 00:36:49 PDT

Let's not deprive Canadians of rights to placate those from other countries. What the fuck does that even mean? Its like you're making shit up on the playground. "Inviting immigrants into Canada and then insisting this country's culture and traditions must be diminished to accommodate them is like inviting people to your house for dinner and repainting the living room because you're afraid the guests won't like the colour scheme". Really? Or maybe inviting immigrants into Canada WHEN YOU YOURSELF ARE AN IMMIGRANT WHO DECIMATED THE ORIGINAL INHABITANTS NOT 200 YEARS PREVIOUS is like pointing a finger while 3 pointing back. Thanks Calgary.

I am Mark Steyn. Good luck with that.

Then again, I did go to a Canadian University.

Ottawa to appeal safe-injection site ruling. Yeah why not. And while we're at it we're going to change the Canada Food Guide back to red meat with every meal, the Lord's Prayer before every school day, smoking sections in restaurants, when you could pay for a chick's meal without a hassle. And guess what, you're going to pay for it.

Experts offer tips on visiting China's Olympic Games. 1. The Monks there are different than the cut little guys running around here. Over their they're all political and stuff, they're sort of like those people here who are always protesting. 2. Do not look out the bus window and especially don't blog about it. 3. Remember, there is no such place as Taiwan.

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Morning Brew: May 28th

Tue, 27 May 2008 20:02:01 PDT

B.C. opening door to foreign security guards at Olympics. Hey cool, they can all wear the colours of their country. Just be wary if there's a particularly large contingent from Saudi Arabia. Especially since its the winter Olympics. But other than that, super fun times ahead!

B.C. Supreme Court rules closing safe injection site unconstitutional. Next up to be made unconstitutional: cutting welfare, raising tuition, and those Axe commercials.

Hey, did you know that John Reynolds is the lobbyist for Sam Sullivan's drug-substitution project? who is also the lobbyist for lobbyist Ken Dobell, who is Sullivan's lobbyist as well as Gordon Campbell's. John Reynolds lobbies Ken Dobell on behalf of the feds, while Sullivan just hangs out in lobbies waiting for the elevator.

Meanwhile Oppal retreats halfway on Bill 42. Like everything you do Fischer; big show, no results.

Canadian Government Wants to Search Your Laptop. Just in case you decided to hide tiny vials of hotel shampoo in there. But seriously, no fucking fluids people! Nothing. Not even lemons. Or steak.

our alternative transportation is...

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Morning Brew: May 26th Vancouver Apple Store Opens.

Sun, 25 May 2008 22:40:59 PDT

B.C. museum fears stolen Bill Reid gold pieces may be melted down. Symbolism card full, please upload or delete some. Thanks. Oh and the world is going through a food crisis and the Natives aren't allowed to fish. We fucking suck.

But hey, When climate change hands you lemons, make lemonade. Suckers. It all works out in the end, we don't have to ship up our fruit from the tropics, which causes global warming, because global warming has brought the fruit to us. See you at the beach, cool guy.

Vancouver mayor finally agrees to a debate. First question, Mr. Sullivan, why are you so afraid to debate?

The Lower Mainland may have fine upscale eateries, but where's the beef?. Is this 1979? Are you going to order a Waldorf Salad and a Casesar, light a smoke, and lambaste the faggy french maitre d' for not having catsup? I cannot believe you just wrote these words: "But the high-minded burger-bashers shouldn't be so quick to celebrate." One question: are you Tom Seleck?

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Morning Brew: May 23rd. H&M Vancouver opens.

Thu, 22 May 2008 23:04:43 PDT

H&M Vancouver Opens. That's all that happened. Nobody else cares about anything else.

Except for maybe the Apple Store coming to Vancouver this Saturday. Oh by the way, cute name for a blog Georgia Straight. "Straight Up"... I get it, they're all like "we don't sugar coat our stories, we don't censor ourselves, we serve it to you straight up, man. Male breasts, what its like to be a sushi chef, and the Diva Cup. Straight up.

Oh and maybe the whole severed foot thing. People really love it when body parts wash up on shore. Criminal Minds anyone?

Aboriginals to Protest at Olympic clock. Um, did somebody forget to tell them that H&M Vancouver opened? Besides, shouldn't they be making souvenirs anyways? *Joke.

40,000 turn aways from GVRD shelters. Imagine if it was the same guy getting turned away each and every time? That would suck.

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Morning Brew: May 21st

Tue, 20 May 2008 19:35:30 PDT

Decline in U.S. visitors to B.C. continues. Oh well, at least the good news is that the decline in U.S. visitors to B.C. continues. Quick let's build a Convention Centre!

Poll: Gas prices causing financial hardship for majority of Canadians. But seriously, start learning the best way to eat seagulls:

The mystery of B.C.'s dying bees. Food riot 2010.

Arthur Griffiths and Spencer Herbert could battle it out in new West End riding.Whatever, as long as its not Mayencourt.

Apparently they needed a doctor to tell them this, but Tasers can cause cardiac arrest. Whatever, just put those smoking labels on them.

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Morning Brew: May 16th

Fri, 16 May 2008 01:21:30 PDT

Gordon Campbell's Free Ride. Leave the guy alone, he's giving BC Place a retractable roof by 2011.

Maker of HPV Vaccine Under Fire. Ow. That burns. That is itchy and it burns.

Tyee does a piece on bed bugs, about 6 months after mine. Owch. You couldn't have linked? That really bites.

Peak-oil spike reshapes the suburbs. Peak oil was on my list of top underreported news of 2007. Just saying.

"Why is a Crown corporation investing in tobacco stocks when the B.C. government is suing tobacco companies?" "Well, I mean, we also invest in the Iraq war, the search for Osama, the US Dollar, sub-prime mortgages, oil, wheat, Hells Angels. So, we really just like to keep our portfolio diversified. Not too many hedge funds, not to many bonds, a couple of lofts in Gastown...

Woodward's redevelopment project came very close to collapsing. Unfortunately, they weren't talking about that massive 42 floor condo that is blocking my morning sun. Not that I want it to collapse or anything...

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Morning Brew: May 14th. The Return.

Tue, 13 May 2008 23:28:06 PDT

Thanks to Jon for filling in, and now for doing Tuesdays and Thursdays. Good to see Vancouver's still as absurd as ever.

Why I do Morning Brew: Media makes promise to Tourism Vancouver.

BC Liberals set to three peat. How much was that flat in Parkdale again?

What do the Gateway Program and Iraqi reconstruction have in common? Other than the collusion of government and private contractors? Or is that one just assumed?

Bill 42 to Stop Homeless People from Voting in BC Elections. What? They were allowed to vote? Disgusting.

Credit Check:
With all this talk and bullshit about being green, it’s appropriate and timely for the BC Government to use more wood to make slightly taller condos. They’ve just brought so much to our communities, condos. We owe it to them.

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A Tale of Two Shitties: Part 2

Tue, 13 May 2008 20:53:00 PDT

Spacial relationships are entirely different in Toronto than in Vancouver. Most of the Lower Mainland's rapid transit is based on the suburbs, so there is a north-south dynamic that entirely leaves out the downtown core/Broadway-UBC corridor. Its as though the Go Train was our only mass transit. We have no subway, so to walk for half an hour is not considered far. The conversion of brownstones into duplexes have allowed the city develop in a more dense, organic, community oriented manner; there are no front lawns and everything looks like it has been slowly added to, giving it a strange look. The resulting network of neighbourhoods makes up the city as a whole. On our first day it seemed every single neighbour was out of their house discussing their new gigantic recycling bins. Speaking of recycling, not only are TO's bins the size of Tie Domi, but they also have composting. And they have these monstrous public garbage/paper/cans bins everywhere. Toronto also appears to be a pretty good town to ride bikes in, but that's mostly because its flat.

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