A Load of Brave Bull

I have sat on my secret long enough. No longer can I stand by while idle minds ponder rumours and idle tongues spin confabulation into gospel. It's time to set the story straight.

About this time last year I enjoyed the opportunity to choose where I would conduct my birthday dinner. Weighing this kind of concern, some people will ask themselves: what do I want to eat? Others may wonder: where's a hall with a sufficient capacity to hold all my friends and family members? Still others will shrewdly ponder: where would I like to be treated to a meal that I'd ordinarily price out of my spending range?

Me, I've eaten many a meal in old Vancouver town, from steak tartare at Bishop's (a bit accidentally) to the "wild salad" at Cafe S'il Vous Plait to maple fondue at the late, great, Zizanie, to hot dogs grilled on the back of a barbecue-bicycle at English Bay after a summer Critical Mass ride... and the thing I hungered for most was knowledge... the kind of shiver-inducing knowledge that can, perhaps, only be achieved through the courage induced by the company of a mob of peers or a pitcher of sangria.

But because April evenings are still a bit too chilly for sipping sangria on the patio, instead I gathered my unruly crew and, like kids dared to stay overnight in a "haunted" house, we prepared to enter into the Lido of restaurants, a storefront we all knew by sight but from which no one had ever been observed entering or leaving.

But first -- since I missed my chance to do a top 10 list back in October, here's my list of the Top Ten Things the Brave Bull's House of Steaks ISN'T:

• 10) Vegan yoga eatery. No, you would be thinking of Radha over on Main. The bull is brave because he is stoically looking into the eyes (and mouths) of his imminent destruction, not because he's attained the resolve to clean up his lifestyle and adopt new ethical consumption habits. I don't really know where the brave bull goes for dinner himself (his last dinner?), but it does remind me that vegetarian shepherd's pie really ought to be called sheep's pie. This is all highly topical stuff.
• 9) The rooftop garden on top of the Central Branch of the VPL. Too far away, too low. Besides, it's not supposed to exist, anyhow. Budgetary considerations, you know. The foliage you see from ground level peeking over the top and proudly crowning the building when viewed from taller buildings nearby? Mass hallucinations. The first rule about VPL rooftop garden club is that you do not talk about VPL rooftop garden club.
• 8) Secret entrance to the mystery rooms on top of the Burrard Bridge. Sure, you could hypothetically tunnel the enormous distance (perhaps a hitherto-uncharted wing of the Highbury Interceptor tunnel?), but if we had that technology at our disposal, surely we'd be using it for the Canada Line instead of asphyxiating all the businesses along Cambie (which, I'm glad to see Canada Line ads paradoxically proclaiming, is open for business -- thanks to the Canada Line! Apparently we had to destroy the village in order to save it.)
• 7) The source of all those Repent Sinner signs. All things considered, the area is relatively under-represented by these decorations -- though no quarter in the Lower Mainland can be said to be wholly pristine and untouched-by-them. Our best intelligence (many Bothans died to bring us this information) has it that the Jamaican lady on Woodwards corner is only the local agent of a bearded man operating out of New Westminster; despite this promising lead, it looks like no one has yet claimed the bounty offered to concrete proof of their point of origin, so either the trail is cold or those who come prying into the man's business never come back... at least, not unrepented.
• 6) The Pit, GI Joe's secret underground headquarters. That's under the U.S. Army Chaplain's Assistants School Motor Pool on Staten Island. C'mon, try a little harder.
• 5) The new site the City of Vancouver used every available means to assist the management of the (sugar refinery) in relocating to. You can say "If Jim Green had gotten in" all you like, but in this town, with these land values... it was never gonna happen. (Hm. The Shug is only about one fifth as popular a cause as the David Emerson recall campaign -- their online petitions are apparently hosted on the same site.)
• 4) Chicken Death. This is bull death. More to the point, it's dead bulls -- ex-cattle well before entering the premises. Still, if the wind shifts awkwardly on a hot summer evening, chances are good that even from Hastings + Clark you can smell chickens being rend(er)ed in the plant -- and while a blood-spattered escapee could conceivably make it as far as Clark in its last, desperate bid for freedom, I suspect it would be creamed crossing the busy thoroughfare while pondering why it was crossing the road. As for the bulls... I don't know where the cattle are rendered. "Render unto the cattle the things that are the cattle's..."
• 3) The TELUSteakhouse. No, wait, the TELUS World of Steaks. No, no, never mind. (Only a fraction of the Emerson blowback, and they backed down. What does he know that the phone company doesn't?)
• 2) The bookstore in the Neverending Story. You're thinking of Macleod's Books.

And the number one thing that the Brave Bull's House of Steaks isn't? ...

• 1) A front for the Mob. I know it's a popular assumption, but I call bunkum. Why not? Two words: too conspicuous! I wouldn't be surprised, though, if it's an ingenious decoy for a different front for the mob somewhere else. Follow the money...

The grand and horrible secret of the Brave Bull is: a $10 steak dinner with sides. It ain't great, but it's pretty cheap. (If memory serves correctly, Jurgen Gothe extols the Keg as best local bang-for-your-steak-dollar, but he's always come across as a bit too happy to be completely trustworthy to me. What does a man whose entire career seems to consist of eating great food, drinking great wine and playing his favourite tunes have to tell you about the real world?)

It's a bit of a disappointing, anticlimactic Scooby-Doo ending: the truth is the Brave Bull, when unmasked by those meddling kids, is just another one of those "Chinese-Canadian" places where you can order chow mein on the side while getting your meat fix, but wouldn't necessarily go in pursuit of fantastic specimens of either variety -- much like like the grill at the back of Save-On Meats (ah, but that's a whole 'nother article).

How do these places manage to stay open here in this land of skyrocketing land values and increasingly sophisticated (I call spoiled) cosmopolitan palates? I don't know what the general strategy is, but the Bull's business model seems straightforward: they may be situated in Vancouver, but I suspect the people they largely feed are just passing through -- one last gutload of cow parts before the ship comes in or the truck heads out. Hastings is effectively our highway (Kingsway aside), and the roadside steakhouse is a North American institution -- whatever exit you pull off the interstate at, chances are good there'll be a decent (but not great) slab of beef at a decent price. Even though Vancouver's culinary colonization by Tim Horton's, Krispy Kreme and poutine are relatively recent developments, it's joints like the Brave Bull (and, well, the undeniable realities of physical geography) that have kept Vancouver's identity nailed down as part of the rest of North America; in this case, 1294 East Hastings Street, Vancouver, BC, Canada. It ain't going anywhere.

Here's your bonus tip: next time you want to disparage the name of a local dining establishment, dig up some real dirt on the Vancouver / Richmond Health Board website. Thrill at full disclosure of the grim discoveries our health inspectors take careful note of! (Warning: there is a nonzero chance that what you learn may force you to revise your favourite local hangout.)

P.S. - this year, we're going Ethiopian for the birthday meal... but only because Habibi's isn't open Sundays.