Hard to imagine, but there is an actual downside to the economic disaster unfolding in America right now. Do you know what it is? No? Well, here's a hint: IT COULD HURT VANCOUVER TOURISM! Red Alert! Literally! OK, so this is seriously no time for jokes. If Vancouver tourism crumbles, the entire city as we know it will cease to exist. Cease! Really, we all need to pitch in until this thing blows over. How? Easy. Just take some day trips down to America and buy a bunch of shit, and while you're down there maybe give out some twenty dollar bills with maps of Stanley Park stapled to them, and also try to make it smell like smoked salmon wherever you go, and always remember to be whispering about how Chad Kroeger is packing such an awesome slice of pipe in his shorts and he's always at the Roxy on Thursdays and he LOVES American accents, and he's totally bi. And he puts out if you pay for his mojitos.

After killing a man with a taser, the RCMP are considering the possibility of not participating in the inquiry into the investigation of his death, just because the guy happened to be Polish... Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know, Polish jokes aresoooooo 2007. But seriously, did you hear about that Polish guy who locked his keys in his car? He had to use a coat hanger to get his family out! Hah! But seriously, the RCMP are dumber than the Poles.

All West Vancouverites are liars. It's true! Just ask some German guy who bought an extra special 8-carat rose/pink gold Patek Philippe wrist watch on eBay for $50,000 from some of them. They tricked him and sold him a fake watch, and now he has to sue. Major bummer. Also, what's with Germans always suing everyone?

Can anyone think of a single good reason not to hate Australians? You may like the country they come from for whatever completely misguided reason you've convinced yourself into believing that liking Australia is OK, but Australians themselves? Barf! Those accents? Those dumb names they have for things? Surfing?!?! Kill me. And now, turns out their wheelchair basketball team is better than ours. Gold medal better. Paralympic gold medal better! That's the final straw. Next time any of you see an Australian on the street, give him/her a super sloppy wet willy (or as they say in Australian, a fuzzy jiggum). That'll show those dinks.

Looks like Thanksgiving came early for some overly anxious BC resident, and then some! Although nobody is sure why or who, somebody killed 100 turkeys in Langley the other day, apparently not to have sex with them.

And just to avoid exhibiting any forms of bias, it's worth mentioning that the suspected Quadra Island puppy killer has turned himself in. Let's all pray that he gets the death penalty.

Chuck writes for The Only. He also runs a mean Tumblr

image from Scanned Nostalgia.